Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
