I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
