come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
