No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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