i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Randomize
