Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
