p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
