did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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