Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize