Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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