sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
