I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
