i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
