My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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