That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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