Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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