I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
