Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
