my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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