Non-Jews are for practice
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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