Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize