so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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