I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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