Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
