You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
