omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
