what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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