saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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