My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
