Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
