it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
