Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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