one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
