is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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