she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My vagina just recognized that song.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
