hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
