so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We left an ass print on the piano.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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