i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
