I think i peed on brittanys purse
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
