I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
