What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
