This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
