This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
