and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
