I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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