why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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