Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
