Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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