i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
