im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
no, he came in my armpit
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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