My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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