That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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