Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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