I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
