Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
